Once upon a time, my Lovelies, in Falchuck-Murphy-Land, there was this Death House. Nobody knew why it was called then, but everyone thought it was because the Doctor who’d built it performed illegal abortions in the basement. After that, nobody wanted to live in it very long, not even the family of the man who bought it when we first heard of the Death House, but Jessica Lange played a character who lived next door, and the guy had no money, so he and his family stayed.
The Death House was very exciting, in a spooky kind of way, because you never knew what was going to happen next, and you never knew what was going on with all the people who were hanging around the house even though they didn’t live there. The halls were straight but the plot was twisted. The characters seemed simple, but the plot was completely unpredictable. It was very exciting, my Lovelies. It was the kind of story you liked to hear in the dark, huddled deep under the covers, listening to the wind blow threateningly outside.
And you could not guess what was going to happen next.
So Brad and Ryan got paid to build an Asylum in Falchuck-Murphy-Land, but I stopped visiting after a few weeks because once you’ve heard one story about mental institutions in the 1950s, you’re heard them all. Besides, there was an awful lot of violence. The only somewhat interesting thing about the asylum is that many of the people who had been in the Death House, or its neighbors, were also at the Asylum. Only their names were changed, so you had to pretend you didn’t recognize them.
Brad and Ryan also set up a Carnival in F-M-Land, with some of the same people, only this time they were freaks with different names. But the violence of the Asylum the few times I visited it — especially the rapes — made me not want to visit the Freak-Show.
In fact, my Lovelies, the only reason I checked in to the Hotel Cortez was because of the beautiful and talented Lady Gaga. She was the character who owned the place. In real life, she was a singer, and I liked her first album a lot. But in this story, she was some sort of never-aging, blood-drinking, not-dead, un-dead, non-vampire Vamp who drank special blood. I never did figure out why it was special, but she kept it in a liquor bottle and drank it out of glasses. Mostly.
So let that be a warning to you, my little Lovelies: never go away with strangers, no matter how pretty you might think they are, how well they sing, or how good they look walking down the hall or standing still in designer gowns, which is mostly what the Countess did whenever she was shown at the Hotel.
Oh, wait, the Countess did have a baby of her own, only it had like half a face or something, and was in some special room at the Hotel, but I don’t know what ever happened to it.
Maybe they sent it to the Asylum or the Freak Show.
Anyhoo, my Lovelies, when the Countess wasn’t bathing in or drinking someone’s blood, standing around or walking in designer gowns,
You see, this Hotel Cortez, which became the Hotel Gore-tez, because of the endlessly repetitive, gratuitous, and egregiously graphic violence, finally flipped over the edge in the Finale last night when Brad and Ryan — the real owners of Falchuck-Murphy-Land — pretended they were working for Spielberg or Disney and tried to make it a Happily Ever After (HEA) ending.
In any event, no ever told us why Sally sewed herself to two other people on her first visit to the Hotel Cortez, but since they were all on drugs, maybe that was the only explanation necessary. After the two of them died beside her, Sally tried to tear herself away from them, but I guess she was a really good seamstress.
Until this freak showed up.
And not this freak either:
No, the freak that attacked Sally was the former owner of the Hotel and former husband of the Countess, who made weird-o faces all the time and talked like he was in a silent motion picture trying to make people hear him over the piano-playing.
What? This is starting to sound familiar?
You saw Death House, so you think you know this story?
But this story is different.
Because it has an HEA ending, that’s why.
That is, they want to make it a tourist attraction where all the ghosts, who are trapped there forever, stop killing all the guests.
And that was the end of that.
The owner convinced all the ghosts, who won’t listen to Liz and Iris, to stop killing people for 10 more years, when the Hotel Gore-tez, now Bore-tez, will be 100 years old and will officially be eligible to become a Historical Building and will not be able to be torn down.
What happened to some of the other characters, you may ask?
Detective John, who’d unknowingly taken over the serial killing begun by the Hotel’s original owner, didn’t die at the Hotel. He died on the sidewalk in front of it. So he wasn’t trapped there forever. In fact, he could only come into the Hotel — where his wife and kidnapped son Holden lived, as Vamps — once a year.
For the Serial Killer Party.
Such kidders, those Serial Killers.
How come Detective John can’t live permanently at the Hotel with his family?
Because he didn’t die there.
That’s why Iris’ son Donovan didn’t want to die there: he didn’t want to be trapped inside with the Countess, whom he loved, and all her other lovers. So Iris and Liz dragged him outside to die in the street.
Yes, my Lovelies, and they mentioned that again in the Finale.
Why can’t Sally leave the Hotel if she died outside it, in the alley below?
Maybe Liz Taylor needed a seamstress for all her outfits. Who knows. Things are not perfect in Falchuck-Murphy-Land, but they’re really bad at the Hotel: not only is it boring and gory, it can’t remember its own rules.
That makes things messy in storytelling, I know, but I didn’t make up the story of the Hotel, and certainly not of its Finale, so don’t blame the messenger.
Or died happily ever after.
Liz let the Countess kill her after he’d reunited with his son, his daughter-in-law, and his granddaughter. Liz had prostate cancer and wanted to die at the Hotel so she’d be with her family. The Countess obliged.Liz even got reunited with the love of his life, Tristan, formerly one of the Countess’ lovers, whom she killed for infidelity.
No, not like that.
In the same room. Well, John, his wife, and his never-aging son were in the bed, but Scarlet slept in the chair. Holding her serial killer dad’s hand.
It was so sweet.
Here, my Lovelies, pass around these bags to get sick in.
Oh, you’re not even awake any longer.
I wonder why…
You want to know how Lady Gaga won a Golden Globe for her “performance” as the Countess in American Horror Story: Hotel?
That, my Lovelies, is a horror story in itself.