Okay, we all know that Disney’s Hannah Montana has grown up with a vengeance, but lately, since her “haircut liberated her,” you can discover a lot more about Miley Cyrus from her music videos than you might have known about her when her hair was long, or even from listening to her on talk shows.
The “liberating haircut” might be a coincidence. This “new” Miley might have always been hiding under her longer hair. Nevertheless, a sampling of her recent videos tells you virtually everything you need to know about the adult, grown-up Miley Cyrus, formerly revered as Hannah Montana.
This new information about Miley didn’t start coming out with “Wrecking Ball,” but the furor and backlash seem to.
So, apparently, she thinks shaving 3/4 of her head is a grown-up hairstyle.
She thinks her mouth and serpentine-length tongue are incredibly attractive, though she denies it on Ellen,
And she likes to put really weird, gross things in her mouth, like sledge-hammers, chains that hold her on a wrecking ball, or metal barbells.
She has really big teeth, and she likes to show them off.
She has no clothes except underwear, or a faux cheerleading outfit cut to look like underwear.
She’s really thin, too thin, skeletal thin, anorexic-bulimic thin. Which you can only tell now because she’s always appearing nude or in underwear in the new videos. I guess she believes in the adage “You can never be too rich, have too many video views, or be too thin.”
She thinks all false eyelashes should resemble those worn by Liza Minnelli in Cabaret.
She thinks showing her (mostly) nude body is more important than the lyrics of any song she’s singing, or any storyline in its accompanying video.
If there were a #TeamFollowBack for most views on Vevo or YouTube, Miley would subscribe to it, since her goal seems to get the most hits in a day, and not from a pipe.
She broke the record for most video-views in 24 hours for “Adore You” even though it’s one of the dullest videos ever made to accompany a song.
She thinks shock-value = entertainment = art.
She can bounce as long as both feet are on the floor, but she can’t dance.
She can roll on a flat surface, even with a sheet over her face or in her mouth, but she can’t dance.
She can perch on the edge of a bathtub or in the back seat of a limo wearing stilettos (“Who Owns My Heart”), but she can’t dance (unlike Lady Gaga, who dances in stilettos that look like they’d break her legs and her neck if she even sneezed).
She can pose “real cool” with a bunch of people around her — mostly behind her — but she can’t dance.
She thinks explicit lyrics or sexually suggestive movements are “grown-up”, as in “23.”
She thinks tattoos wash off like Crayola Magic Markers, so the more tatts, the better.
She thinks false fingernails should be longer than one’s fingers, and they should be put in your mouth constantly, with those lips, teeth, and tongue.
Miley thinks she is the hottest thing in underwear, notwithstanding the fact that, unlike Liza Minnelli, Madonna, and Lady Gaga, who can dance and sing while garbed in nothing but underwear, Miley can’t dance.
Oh, well, at least she can sing.