I’m Not Kidding Here
If you’ve heard of the 2011 film Wrecked, starring Adrien Brody and Adrien Brody and Adrien Brody, with a cameo by Caroline Dhavernas, Mountain Lion, and Dog, then you’re way ahead of the Hollywood game. Welcome to The Alexandria Papers, where I’m continuing my exploration of little known films, though it may soon become obvious to me why some of the films are so completely unknown. In an ideal world, all films would be completely engaging, but… whatever… Wrecked is an absolute wreck, I guarantee you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself while watching it.
I’ll just go ahead and tell you the premise, since I don’t want you to use your precious data or strain your fingers typing so you can look up info about this killer film. Adrien Brody stars as a guy who wakes up, trapped in a wrecked car, in the middle of the Wilderness, with a dead guy in the backseat, and another dead body in front of the car in the undergrowth — you know, like it got tossed through the windshield — and Adrien can’t for the life of him remember who he is or how he got into the passenger seat of the car. Okay, so far?
For the first twenty minutes, Adrien is desperately trying to get himself out of the car. He’s trapped under the dash. His car door is jammed. And nobody has a cellphone. Not that they’d be able to get reception out in that Wilderness, but I’m just saying. No cellphones. The dead guy in the back has ID, and a jacket, which Adrien takes to keep himself warm, but Adrien doesn’t know if they’re buddies or not. And there’s no cellphone anywhere.
For the next ten minutes, after the first somewhat-intriguing 20 minutes, Adrien manages to get himself out of the car, where he discovers that his leg is not only broken, but that the bone has gone through the skin. Now, this can cause major infection, dangerous infection, like, life-threatening infection, but just so you don’t worry about things unnecessarily, I’m going to give you a spoiler right now. That broken leg with the protuding bone is not going to kill Adrien. It’s not even going to make him sick to his stomach, go into shock, or in any way hinder him through the remainder of the film, so you can just forget about that leg. Although it is kind of interesting that Adrien manages to demolish the front seat of the car and cut out the entire passenger seatbelt with nothing more than a piece of broken car mirror no bigger than a half-dollar-bill.
Oh, dang, I forgot to tell you about the Woman, played by Caroline Dhavernas, of Hannibal fame, who just appears in the middle of the Wilderness, bringing water and granola to poor Adrien, just before she disappears. Yeah, spoiler, she’s an hallucination, and every time she appears in the film, she’s not really there. So, why, you might wonder, does Adrien’s character fight with her and kill her about ¾ of the way through the film? I don’t know, and I’m guessing no one making the film did either, so don’t worry about it. Just accept the fact that it’s not real and move on, okay?
Right, so Adrien manages to get out of the car, demolishes much of the front seat to make a brace of sorts for his busted-up leg, and then… Did I mention that nobody has a cellphone in this film?
Dang it. I forgot to tell you about Mountain Lion. And he’s in the film more than Caroline Dhavernas so I don’t know how I could forget him. Mountain Lion comes around and Adrien yells at him to go away and Mountain Lion doesn’t because he’s a Mountain Lion and they don’t run from scary men yelling at them in the middle of the Wilderness and Mountain Lion goes up to the back window of the car, which is either broken or rolled down, I don’t know which, and Mountain Lion pulls the dead body out of the car through the window, which My Guy claims is a real possibility if for some strange reason Mountain Lion would prefer to eat Dead Meat rather than Fresh Meat.
With the makeshift brace on his busted leg and an ant in his tummy for nourishment, Adrien starts to crawl around through the Wilderness, not going in the direction of all the broken and busted up trees which clearly indicate the path of the wrecked car, but in an entirely opposite direction. (To make the rest of this blog easier to read, consider this paragraph A.)
Read Paragraph A (above) until very healthy Dog shows up. Adrien decides to follow Dog through the Wilderness, probably because Dog is obviously healthy and doesn’t act like he’s an hallucination. Dog will disappear, and eventually you will learn that Dog is not even there, since only Adrien sees him, but don’t let that worry you. Dog is safe.
Now read Paragraph A until… Oh, no, I forgot to tell you about the gun. Adrien finds a gun in the car, I don’t remember where, I must’ve blinked during that one moment of discovery, and he also managed to get the car radio going and heard the news that three dangerous bank robbers, that’s three, as in one-two-three guys, as in OH, NO, I MUST BE A BIG BAD BANK ROBBER WHO IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS ESPECIALLY SINCE I CRAWLED AROUND TO THE TRUNK OF THE CAR AND FOUND ALL THIS CASH WHICH I AM GOING TO BURN FOR WARMTH BECAUSE THOUGH I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WILDERNESS WITH ONLY THREE MATCHES IT NEVER OCCURS TO ME TO BURN LEAVES OR TWIGS OR BRANCHES OR EVEN SET THE DANG CAR ON FIRE…
And let’s not forget Rifle Guy who comes and steal the money out of the trunk and leaves Adrien there, pointing his gun at Rifle Guy, who just points the rifle back, until Rifle Guy turns and disappears into the Wilderness. Later, Rifle Guy will be found dead in a cave in the Wilderness, but I could never tell if Rifle Guy was real or was another hallucination, so don’t worry about him either. Although he does conveniently provide a cellphone for Adrien to steal, even though it’s a flip-phone which probably wouldn’t work even in a good network, let alone in the middle of The Wilderness, but at least Adrien has a phone now even if he can’t get any reception and there’s even a silly scene of him holding up the phone in the cave trying to find a signal and I was like, WHA???? Here’s a picture of Adrien in the cave with the cellphone so you don’t think I’m making this up.
Here’s a picture of Adrien in the cave with the cellphone so you don’t think I’m making this up.
Now read Paragraph A again, for at least 5 minutes, which will give you just a very slight idea of what it was like to watch Adrien crawl around in the Wilderness for at least 30 more minutes of the film until he finally comes to Water which means he doesn’t have to get drenched in the rain trying to relieve his thirst which must be monstrous since all his facial wounds have healed since the beginning of the film so he must have been out there for, like, days and days, if not weeks and weeks, and he’s still as healthy looking as Adrien Brody ever looks, considering he’s in the Wilderness without food and water… wait, he did have a mint… so he had an ant and a mint and maybe a worm, I couldn’t tell what that one thing he ate was… and he found a piece of Jerky, I guess, in the backpack of dead Rifle Guy but Adrien gave part of the Jerky to imaginary Dog, so that made me think Jerky was as imaginary as Dog especially since no Sasquatch showed up when they were eating the Jerky but maybe I’m thinking of something else.
Okay, so he’s at the water, and you just know what’s going to happen. BINGO! He falls in and it’s like the Rapids, I mean, like THE RAPIDS, and he bounces around in the water and goes a really long way, getting all wet but never screaming from the agony of his busted up leg so I don’t know what that was about, but he managed to keep his head above water even though he was in the rapids, I mean, THE RAPIDS, and he manages to get out somehow… I must have blinked there, too, because I’m not sure how he got out, but he did and he was…
Guess where he was. No, come on, seriously. Guess.
BACK AT THE WRECK!
Yes, he was. I know it’s super-hard to believe but those nasty ol’ RAPIDS took him right back to where he started and that’s when he decided to follow the path of the broken trees that were obviously splintered from the Wreck of the Car and I have No Idea Why I’m Capitalizing All This but I think I forgot to tell you about the hallucination with the Woman, not the first hallucination, but the next one where he chokes her and she kicks him and fights and he shoots her in the head.
It’s a piece of gratuitous violence that is never explained and doesn’t make any sense but I don’t think the Woman is really with him so Caroline was in more danger from having sex with Mads I mean sex with Hannibal than from Adrien in the Wilderness so don’t worry, I’m guessing she’s okay even though we never find out who she really is or why Adrien feels so much anger and rage toward her that he hallucinates choking her and shooting her in the head.
Now read Paragraph A again for at least 20 more minutes since that’s how long it takes Adrien to make it up this big ol’ hill to the road. Yes! It’s the road. And he crawls across it — don’t worry: no cars come to hit him even though it takes him, like, forever to get across the road like way longer than a chicken with a broken leg even and all I kept wondering was how his hiking boots were so clean and how lucky that he had hiking boots on when he robbed the bank since the car wrecked in the Wilderness — and BAM! Adrien finds another body.
Man, these bodies are all around this guy, I tellya. And then Mountain Lion appears and actually has his first line, which is a real snarly Mountain Lion line which he does really well for his first speaking part and Adrien shoves the dead body toward Mountain Lion who takes Carrion rather than Fresh Meat and even I knew without My Guy telling me that no way Mountain Lion would take Cadaver instead of Adrien but I guess they really wanted Adrien to survive after he’d done all that hard work in the Wilderness all alone.
So he uses cellphone and calls 911 and EMS Guy comes and puts Adrien in truck and Adrien asks about Dog and EMS-Guy says No Dog or What Dog or something that lets you know there’s no Dog just like there’s no Woman and probably no Rifle Guy and while Adrien’s in the truck he remembers that REALLY BIG BAD SPOILER AND I AM NOT KIDDING HERE SO STOP READING IF YOU WANT TO BE SURPRISED BY THE END OF THE FILM I MEAN IT STOP READING NOW he and his wife or girlfriend or whoever Caroline Dhavernas is supposed to be playing had a tiff in the car in the street just before Adrien went into some building and when he came out she was sitting on a bench reading the paper and drinking a Venti Starbucks but she hadn’t gotten one for him so he just stared at her and three bad guys came running out of the bank with guns and grabbed Adrien and shoved him into his own car which I guess had the keys in it though both Adrien and Caroline were no longer in it and they drove away with Adrien trapped in the car as a hostage.
Okay, so he’s not one of the bank robbers…
And when Adrien puts on his seatbelt in the EMS Guy’s truck he has a YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK to putting his seatbelt on in the getaway car with the bad guy holding a gun to Adrien’s temple and then after he’s buckled in Adrien yanks the steering wheel so I guess he caused the accident but I don’t know what we’re supposed to think about that, like is he a victim or did he play a major role in his own tragedy or was it fate or are we even supposed to care because we just wasted 90 minutes watching this guy crawl around in the Wilderness and we are seriously wondering why, and what’s up with all the misogynistic violence and who is the Woman and what happened to Dog and how do I keep picking these really bad movies to watch?
Did I say you could enjoy Wrecked?
I don’t know what I was thinking.
At least I know you’re here with me, my Lovelies, and I appreciate that.
And if you have any really wrecked movies that you’d like me to watch for you, just let me know.